The History of the Three Envelopes
A short time before soon-to-be beatified President Obama took the oath of office (Take 1), outgoing President Bush presented the new President with three numbered envelopes, all embossed with the presidential seal (the real one, not the creepy campaign emblem). “Good luck pal, and open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, it only took until the first week for everything to fall to pieces. The Generational Wealth Transfer Act of 2009 (aka “the stimulus bill”) was starting to come under fire (mostly because it was laden with social policy pork), liberal Democrats wanted more than just a few moonbat executive orders for releasing terrorists and funding international abortions, and the no-guts Republicans wanted their say in what pork…. er “stimulus”… would be doled out. Obama, having so little experience in any real decision making, was all of a sudden catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He rushed to the Oval office desk drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame talk radio and your predecessor.”
President Obama could not wait to try this new strategy. So he ran down to the press room, blasted Rush Limbaugh, laid all the current economic ills at the feet of the Republicans, and claimed any argument was a lack of bipartisanship (“I won”, he sneered). Satisfied with his comments, the press, having already known the blame was the Republican’s and talk-radio’s all along – responded with calls for cooperation, to cease and end obstructionism, and went on to defend any expenditure – even birth control – as a cost savings. Soon Brian Williams began cooing again, and the public realtions problem was briefly behind the new President.
About a year and a half later, right before the mid-term elections, the economy was still in the tank. The $2 trillion stimulus only resulted in a minor increase in Ann Coulter book sales, and a collection of memorials and museums in town squares across the country (celebrating every possible mediocre historical character possible). But unemployment was still high, the Dow had slid to 1,500, and the new Nationalized Combined Banks of the United States were borrowing cash like a Gen-Xer sleeping in his parents basement. Worse, even the National Car Company of America (previously known as GM), had a huge back inventory of sub-sub-compact, battery operated cars. Seems as if the cars kept getting run off the road by “dissidents” in Suburbans!
Having learned from his previous experience, embattled-President Obama quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” So he quickly fired Tim Geithner, who was very publicly arrested by the IRS and sued by TurboTax. It was disclosed the entire bailout and stimulas tracking system, was a shoebox of receipts in Geithner’s basement. “Who would have ever thought that possible”, claimed Obama. The faltering-President then fired so many others in his administration, it started to look like Lehman Brothers. The public cheered, the press cooed (he is so wise!), and public’s “crisis of confidence” rebounded.
Within another year though, and after several consecutive declining polls, and a growing lack of support by his Eurpoena-advisory council; there was once again great public unrest. Even Democrats were looking back with fondness on the Carter years (Bubba-Bill had since disgraced himself by accepting money for his foundation from, of all people, Rush Limbaugh!). One last time, President Obama went to the Oval office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Keep the faith.
